Overprotection… when love prevents children from developing their skills | family

If you think that the excessive care you give to your child, overprotecting him, and creating an environment that is closer to ideal is healthy educational behavior, then let me tell you that what you are doing will lead your child to be a boy in school or a young man in university who does not know how to solve the simplest dispute or problem that appears in front of him. This excessive care will reflect negatively on his personality and performance in the future, and leave you with an insecure, dependent individual who lacks life skills. Necessary, such as independence, decision-making, problem-solving and initiative, as well as weak self-confidence, fear of mistakes, lack of self-esteem, introversion, shyness and anxiety, or may become excessively authoritarian.

These reflections were recorded by Julie Lythcott-Haims, dean of freshmen and undergraduate counselors at Stanford University, in her book “How to Raise an Adult?” I noticed that the scene of parents on campus began to become familiar with the arrival of the millennial generation to university, and this scene began to increase with each year, as parents were looking for opportunities for their students, making decisions for them, and solving problems for them, which are things that students from previous generations did themselves.

This pattern of exaggerated parental intervention aroused Julie’s curiosity, and she discovered, after communicating with her colleagues at other universities, that what was happening was a clearly observed “phenomenon,” caused by what is known as “helicopter parenting,” a term that first appeared in 1969 in the book “Between Parent & Teenager” by Professor Haim Guinot, in which he reported how a teenager complained about his mother by saying: “She is hovering over me like a helicopter,” in reference to the excessive care she gives him and the careful monitoring of all his actions. Then the scientists Jim Fay and Foster Klein adopted it as a scientific term, in their book “Raising a Child Between Love and Logic… Teaching Children Responsibility.”

In short: Imagine being afraid for your child to fall while learning to walk, so you bring him everything he wants without helping him learn to walk. This means that he will not learn to walk, because he will not try to walk, and he will not acquire this skill through practice in which he must fall before success. This can be applied to all the skills that a child acquires.

The term “helicopter parenting” first appeared in 1969, based on a teenager’s complaint that his mother hovered above him like a helicopter.

Who is “Helicopter Daddy”?

In “helicopter” families, parents cannot separate from their children, as if the child has not yet separated from his placenta, as the parents are like bodyguards for their children, constantly watching them and trying to protect them, and taking it upon themselves to participate in performing their life and school duties, with the aim of helping them succeed and protecting them from disappointments. Here, children see the world only through their parents, and do not have an emotional or personal identity of their own, because the parents apply – in good faith – their stereotypical vision of a successful life to their children and “program” them according to it, so that these children later find themselves in situations that have no solution in the “user guide” that their parents provided to them.

This way of dealing with children unintentionally implants in their minds the message: “You can’t do anything without me.”

What characterizes “helicopter parents” is that they believe that their children do not make mistakes, so you see them always standing in the position of defending them, justifying their mistakes, and even denying their existence at all. They only see their children in an ideal way, and they also focus on society’s evaluation of them, so they are keen to show them in a way that is closer to the ideal, and this is often at the expense of the internal erosion of the child’s psyche. By putting pressure on him that exceeds his age and his awareness of what is happening around him and what is required of him, which increases the possibility of his later collapse and suffering from psychological crises.

These parents believe that excessive control will protect the child from dangers, so they try to spare their children from feelings of anger and annoyance, and they focus only on evoking feelings of happiness and pleasure, and their excessive care reaches the point of lying and changing facts to protect their children from negative feelings.

With these actions and this type of “upbringing,” parents unintentionally prevent their children from acquiring basic skills for life, or at least hinder their acquisition in the best way. For example, the mother may feed the child even though he has reached an age where he is supposed to be self-reliant, or leave him to sleep next to her for several years, and she may constantly wake up to check on him if he is sleeping in his bed, or change his clothes herself even though the child is of age. The two-year-old begins to acquire skills that help him dress himself.

Even if the child tries to perform some tasks on his own, these parents continue to supervise him, follow his steps, and help him with them, until the child loses confidence in his abilities and perhaps his self-esteem.

This excessive protection may continue throughout the years of academic progress and the children’s attainment of university level. You will see them closely monitoring their lifestyle and behavior, and in some extreme cases, they may go so far as to interfere in their professional affairs later, such as when the father asks to meet his son’s manager to check on him or ask him for a salary increase, for example.

The spread of mobile phones leads to an increase in the means of communication with children at university or work, and then surveillance, which prompted Dr. Richard Mullendore to describe the mobile phone as “the longest umbilical cord in the world,” according to a report published by the Effingham Herald newspaper.

Examples of excessive protective behaviors practiced by parents include: continuing to feed the child or mashing food for him even though he has passed the age of eating himself, or forcing him to eat and drink, or answering him if they are asked a question, or preventing him from playing and moving freely for fear of being exposed to physical harm, or talking excessively about his “achievements,” or communicating extensively with his teachers and directing them to the methods of dealing with him required, or Avoid assigning him any household tasks, choosing his friends and activities that are “appropriate” for him, guiding him about his academic future and making decisions for him at an advanced age, etc.

Some of these behaviors may be normal in certain situations, such as preventing a child from climbing a dangerous tree, or helping him do homework, but what distinguishes “helicopter parenting” is the frequency and intensity of these behaviors. They are not specific to certain situations, but rather a way of life.

The mobile phone is the longest umbilical cord in the world

by Richard Mullendore

Harmful protection

Overprotective parents do not feel that there is any flaw in the way they care for their children, and they often feel proud of their behavior, and see themselves as ideal, but the child in this environment always lives under pressure, trying to provide high performance that satisfies his parents’ ambition for perfection, and this – according to the American psychiatrist Madeleine Levin, in her book “Teach Your Children Well” – may make the child a victim whose condition is equal to that of victims. Trauma.

“They are preoccupied with the events that have happened, and endlessly obsessed with a possible wrong answer or a missed opportunity,” Levin says about how psychologically harmful it is to children subjected to this style of upbringing. “They are anxious and depressed.” This was confirmed by a study at the University of Mary Washington, which examined “the effects of excessive parenting on the well-being of college students,” and indicated that excessive parenting is associated with higher levels of anxiety and depression in children.

Although supporters of “helicopter parenting” claim that such a “restrictive and imposing” style of parenting fosters discipline and promotes commitment, this form of parenting may also have the effects of rejection and rebellion.

The damage is not limited to the children only, but may also affect the parents themselves. Constant focus on the children may cause problems for the parents in their social relationships. For example, you will see them unable to participate in conversations, because they quickly lose focus because they worry about their children or continue to monitor them. They may also postpone their professional and personal goals and aspirations, because they give priority to their children and focus on Their success, and parents’ urgent desire for their children’s success may cause their budgets to be depleted beyond their financial capacity.

Despite the above, not all aspects of overprotective parenting are negative. This type of parent is committed and disciplined to all the appointments that concern their children. They attend school meetings regularly, participate in all school activities, and follow up on medical examinations and vaccinations without any delay.

How do I get off this helicopter?

Parents must believe in their children’s ability to learn, adapt, and be independent, and view making mistakes as a “useful failure” that teaches them what is right, and a step on the path to success, and that disappointments help them learn flexibility and deal with difficult situations and sad feelings.

Therefore, parents must encourage their children to take responsibility and make decisions, support them to bear the consequences of their decisions, and assign them responsibilities, duties, and tasks appropriate to their ages. This is done through gradual steps, summarized by experts and specialists in 4 gradual tips to remedy the condition of “helicopter parenting,” which are:

1. Get the job done, and let your child watch.
2. Get your child involved in completing the task.
3. Watch your child complete the task on his own.
4. Let your child do the task himself.

The difficulty of the tasks can also be graduated, increasing them little by little in accordance with the child’s age and daily needs. We must not forget that what is more important than completing a task is that the child emerges from it successfully, and that what is more important than home, life, and school duties is that he learns the skills and values ​​that are based on these duties and tasks. As for pressure and insistence on achieving high levels of success, it breeds anxiety and tension.

Giving the child his own space, and leaving him to find his way to his own achievements, while supporting and guiding him in that, without undue pressure, control, or protection; It puts him on the path of natural growth, so that he is ready to fight the battles of life, and qualified to deal with its challenges, and thus he learns:

• Responsibility to contribute to the work of the family or team.
• Independence in dealing with tasks, avoiding dependency and laziness.
• Commitment to completion dates and the level of quality and mastery.
• Persevere in the face of challenges and learn problem-solving skills.
• Enhancing the sense of responsibility, and taking the initiative instead of helplessness and withdrawal.

In this context, Esther Davidowitz, former editor-in-chief of Westchester Magazine, says: “Take advantage of their enthusiasm. Children love to feel like adults. They enjoy the feeling of accomplishment and competence, so you see them happy when you ask them to stack a pile of magazines, or sort colored clothes from white ones before doing the laundry. Do not expect perfection from your children, and at the same time be sure to thank them without saying anything.” It is an exaggeration. Perhaps it is enough to thank them by making eye contact and a smile, or by patting them on the shoulder, or by saying “thank you.”

If you are having difficulty controlling your fears about your child, do not hesitate to talk to a specialist. You do not have to abandon these practices all at once, but rather the change can be gradual, for you and your child.

Raising children – like other life skills – requires balance, as the dangers of excess and “helicopter” parenting are almost similar to the dangers of neglecting care and care, andA child who lives under the umbrella of excessive protection will remain a “child” when he reaches adulthood, dependent on others, unable to rely on himself.

Protecting the child, providing a safe environment for him, and nourishing him with feelings of love and attention are factors that help him and enhance his chances of positive development, but when this attention is based on excessive fear, its negative effects are long and profound on the child’s personality and future.