3 days agoNew York StateComments Off on Viktor Gyokeres breaks silence on transfer drama with blunt 22-word statement as Man Utd and Arsenal battle for star
VIKTOR GYOKERES has bluntly broken his silence on his transfer fall-out with Sporting Lisbon chiefs with a brief 22-word statement.
The Sweden striker has reportedly come to blows with Sporting bosses after trying to force through a dream move to the Premier League.
Viktor Gyokeres broke his silence on his transfer drama with Sporting
He believes he had a gentleman’s agreement to leave the Portuguese giants for £50million with a further £8million in add-ons, but that claim has been denied by president Frederico Varandas.
Varandas said: “Sporting will not accept blackmail and insults – you should know me better by now.”
But Gyokeres has now tried to play down the squabble rumours by throwing doubt on some of the reports with a short statement on social media.
He wrote on his Instagram story on Thursday evening: “There is a lot of talks at the moment, most of it is false. I will speak when the time is right.”
It also comes after reports claimed that Arsenal submitted a new bid for Gyokeres on Wednesday, with his agent Hasan Cetinkaya visiting London to fast-track the transfer.
Gyokeres has now tried to silence speculation by throwing doubt on some of the reportsSporting chief Frederico Varandas (front) hit back at Viktor Gyokeres this week
But Varandas statement also read: “I can guarantee that Viktor Gyokeres will not leave for €60m+10m (£51m+£8.5m) because I never promised him that.
“This game that the agent is playing only makes the situation worse. To this day, Sporting has not had an offer for Viktor, neither today nor last season.”
“It was agreed that Sporting would not demand the release clause at the end of the following season, especially because he was going to be 27.”
The Swede is one of the most in-demand players this summer after scoring a staggering 97 goals in 102 matches for Sporting since joining in the summer of 2023.
Last season, he netted he netted 54 times in 52 outings – including aChampions Leaguehat-trick againstManchester City, while 39 of those goals came in just 33 league games.
Despite United’s interest, Arsenalremain favourites to nab him, with new director of football Andrea Berta a big fan from his days at Atletico Madrid.
Gyokeres has removed any reference to Sporting on his Instagram account, having also got rid of any mention of Sweden and Nike.
He has three years remaining on his contract in Lisbon, but he is determined to take on a new challenge after just two years at the club, where he won the league twice, and completed a domestic double this season.
3 days agoNew York StateComments Off on Labour promise to ‘end asylum hotels’ is worthless… Reeves will be turfed out long before last asylum seeker leaves B&B
AS election manifesto pledges go, it was as simple and straightforward as they get: Labour will “end asylum hotels, saving the taxpayer billions of pounds”.
No wriggle room there, you might think. Not SOME asylum hotels, ALL of them.
Labour pledged to ‘end asylum hotels, saving the taxpayer billions of pounds’GettyChancellor Rachel Reeves gave a helpful update this week on that vow to the British people[/caption]
PAMigrants camped out on the streets of London[/caption]
And, given the current huge annual cost of housing Channel migrants, that would surely save taxpayers money. Simple!
Well, sorry to be the bearer of bad — and expensive — news, but apparently not.
After 11 months in office, Chancellor Rachel Reeves gave a helpful update this week on that vow to the British people during her Spending Review, and added in the teeny-tiny oh-so-insignificant caveat that it wouldn’t actually happen until 2029.
That’s four long years away. It also means many more billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money being thrown away.
After all, the Government is currently forking out more than £4BILLION a year to house illegal migrants, some of whom have arrived on small boats, and even by 2029 asylum costs are STILL predicted to top £2.5billion a year — with or without a hotel room in sight.
After the Tories failed to deliver on their promise to stop putting asylum seekers in hotels, we have every right to be cynical.
Indeed, they were happily paying for expensive four-star rooms until that was exposed to widespread public fury.
But even if Labour do actually keep their manifesto pledge by 2029, what does “ending asylum hotels” actually mean?
Let’s look at the best-case scenario. Let’s imagine a world where Home Office officials go to warp speed to process the massive backlog of asylum seekers who are currently waiting years to learn their fate.
Will that mean we can finally stop paying for their accommodation? Almost certainly not.
Although Britain already grants asylum at a far higher rate than most other European countries (indeed, it offers asylum to those who’ve already failed to win it elsewhere in Europe), tens of thousands of claims from undocumented economic migrants are still likely to be refused.
So will that mean those failed asylum seekers will be packed off home and finally off our books?
Nope. Unless their own countries agree to take them back and their safety can be guaranteed in places like Iran, Afghanistan or Eritrea, then I’m afraid they will be staying right here.
What about shipping them off to third countries, like Rwanda or Albania, if they won’t go home?
Again, that’s a non-starter under Sir Keir Starmer, whose human rights lawyer chums will have a field day arguing for failed asylum seekers’ rights to a family life in Britain.
Staying right here
If it turns out that the thousands of young men who pay people-smugglers to get on dinghies to come to our shores are NOT in fact all brilliant rocket scientists, brain surgeons and engineers, they will probably end up working in low-wage jobs, often in the black economy, needing benefits and will likely remain a drain on taxpayers for the rest of their lives.
Anyway, even if the Home Office could manage to deal with the existing backlog, what are they going to do about the thousands of new asylum seekers who are arriving from the beaches of Calais every week?
This year has so far seen the highest ever number of illegal immigrants crossing the Channel, with no sign — despite Sir Keir Starmer’s promises — of the smuggling gangs being smashed any time soon.
It doesn’t really matter where these people live; once they set foot on our beaches, we will end up footing the bill one way or another
Julia Hartley-Brewer
OK, fair enough, but at least by 2029 we won’t be paying for these new arrivals to live in hotels any more.
True, but they will need to live somewhere.
Unless the Government is secretly planning to send them off to the Falklands or give them all tents and plonk them in a field in the middle of nowhere, that means paying for their accommodation and other living costs.
If officials are not going to pay for hotels, then more and more asylum seekers will end up being moved into private rented flats and houses in a street near you.
This is already happening in many towns and cities, as companies such as Serco, Mears and Clearsprings have been handed multi-million pound contracts to strike deals with local landlords to house asylum seekers.
Hope we won’t notice
Using our hard-earned taxes, they often pay far above (sometimes even double) local market rents, with guaranteed leases for five years, with all utilities and any other costs paid for by taxpayers, and pushing rents beyond the means of countless local families.
Getting asylum seekers out of hotels also brings the added bonus that the cost of thousands of individual private rentals are rather easier to hide from the public than enormous Home Office hotel bills totalling billions.
And after the Channel migrants are processed and allowed to stay — with or without asylum status — they can then be quietly shunted on to the general benefits bill or on to local councils’ housing costs in the hope that we won’t notice or care any more.
Like so many manifestos, the promise to “end asylum hotels” isn’t worth the glossy paper it is printed on.
It doesn’t really matter where these people live; once they set foot on our beaches, we will end up footing the bill one way or another for years to come.
We don’t know how many more Channel migrants will turn up this week, this year or by 2029, so we can’t know how much that bill will be.
But the one thing we can say for certain is that Rachel Reeves will be turfed out of the Treasury long before the last asylum seekers are turfed out of their hotel.
HOMELESS TENT CITIES ON WAY
DON’T look now but the Deputy Prime Minister, Angela Rayner, has had another brilliant idea.
This time, her clever plan is to tackle the rising problem of rough sleeping on our streets by decriminalising it.
She plans to repeal the 1824 Vagrancy Act which, for two centuries, has made it a criminal act to sleep rough, raising fears that we will soon see tent cities pop up in our parks and streets, similar to those in San Francisco.
Ms Rayner says these people are not criminals but “vulnerable” victims of “injustice”. Indeed, this is true for many. In the first three months of this year, 4,427 people spent at least one night sleeping on the streets of our capital.
Many of them are drug addicts or alcoholics, while others are service veterans who are victims of both PTSD and a bureaucracy that just doesn’t care.
Making it easier for people to sleep on the streets won’t solve THEIR problems – but it will create more problems for everyone else.
3 days agoNew York StateComments Off on ‘What the f*** are you doing?’ – Thomas Frank nearly quit to be a teacher when Spurs chief first offered him job
THOMAS FRANK will reunite with an old pal when he starts at Tottenham – having been offered a job by the same friend around 20 years ago.
GettyThomas Frank has been appointed as the new manager of Tottenham[/caption]
GettyFrank reunites with Johan Lange, Tottenham’s technical director[/caption]
In doing so, he ended his seven-year spell with Brentford, where he was adored by fans.
The Dane’s style of management has been admired by many clubs – including Manchester United, who reportedly considered him as a potential replacement for Erik ten Hag last year.
Then working for Danish club B93 in Copenhagen, Lange approached Frank regarding a talent development position.
After some careful consideration, he declined.
GettyFrank almost quit coaching in his early thirties[/caption]
However, Frank went on to change his mind after being chastised by the instructor from his Uefa coaching course.
Speaking to the Telegraph five years ago, the ex-midfielder said: “He (Uefa instructor) called me and said, ‘What the f*** are you doing? This is your dream job. You need to take it.’
“The rest is history.”
Frank and Lange did not spend much time together at B93 but they would meet again at Lyngby, another Danish club, a few years later.
There, they would work alongside Niels Frederiksen and Kasper Hjulmand while honing their coaching craft.
Now, almost two decades on from that first job together, they are colleagues once again.
As the technical director of Tottenham, Lange would have played a role in bringing Frank to North London.
The former Brentford favourite is now tasked with carrying Tottenham up the Premier League table.
Despite winning the Europa League this term, the Lilywhites endured a terrible domestic season.
They finished the campaign 17th in the Premier League table, just one place above the relegation zone.
It was the club’s poor form in the league which resulted in the dismissal of Postecoglou.
GettyFrank has replaced Ange Postecoglou, who was sacked by Tottenham earlier this month[/caption]
3 days agoNew York StateComments Off on Two men ‘tried to steal bicycle from car park of high-security spy base’
TWO men have been accused of trying to steal a bicycle from a car park — unaware it was part of a high-security spy base.
The pair, who later insisted they were on their way to a supermarket to get more booze for a party, were seized by armed police at GCHQ.
The ring-shaped site, pictured above, in Cheltenham, Gloucs, is known as The Doughnut.
It is protected by guards, CCTV and razor wire-topped fences and is home to the country’s top codebreakers and cyber security experts.
Last night, one of the suspects told The Sun he had been nominated by pals to go to the local Asda for beers as he was the most sober.
He and his friend thought they could take a short cut through the car park.
Painter and decorator Terry White, 47, said: “As I told the cops, all I wanted to do was buy a few cans.
“It looked like a normal car park. There was a barrier, but it was raised and there were no warnings or signs. I’m born and bred in Cheltenham so I’ve always been aware of GCHQ.
“But I had no idea this car park was part of it.”
The dad of six went on: “When we got to the other end, I was confronted by a huge metal fence, about three metres high.
“We were thinking about climbing over it when suddenly a police car pulled up on the other side and an officer jumped out and shouted, ‘Stop there!’.
“It was a really scary experience and not one I would ever want to go through again.”
Gloucestershire Police said two men were detained in a car park and a bag of tools found nearby at around 5pm on Friday, June 6.
The force added: “It is believed they were attempting to steal a bike.
“The two men, who are both in their 40s and from Cheltenham, were arrested on suspicion of going equipped to steal. They have been released on bail pending further inquiries.”
More than 5,000 people work at GCHQ to protect the country from cyber attacks and assist the security agencies MI5 and MI6 with encrypted messages.
PA:Press AssociationThe GCHQ spy base is protected by guards, CCTV and razor wire-topped fences and is home to the country’s top codebreakers and cyber security experts[/caption]
3 days agoNew York StateComments Off on King Charles to attend every day of Ascot after surprising himself with love for the races
KING Charles is set to attend every day of Royal Ascot after he “surprised himself” at how much he loves the occasion.
He and Camilla will be ever-present at the five-day meet, cheering on their horses from the royal box.
David Dyson- Commissioned by The SunKing Charles will attend every day of Royal Ascot this year after admitting he ‘surprised himself’ at how much he loves the occasion[/caption]
David Dyson- Commissioned by The SunThe King and Queen enjoying the Ascot meeting[/caption]
But since Charles became King, he has had a leading role there — and has enjoyed getting stuck in.
A source said: “Camilla has been passionate about horse racing for many years but the King has surprised himself by how much he enjoys it.
“It is an opportunity to catch up with guests and show support for the horse racing industry.”
It is believed the King has two horses running at the festival, although the full list of runners and riders has yet to be officially confirmed.
His horse The King’s Falcon could be a shrewd bet after the three-year-old gelding won at Carlisle two weeks ago.
The week kicks off on Tuesday when the King Charles III Stakes is one of the opening day highlights.
But news of the King’s fondness of racing comes after it emerged the 76-year-old will not appear on horseback at Trooping the Colour tomorrow.
It is the second year in a row Charles has been forced to ride in a carriage for his official birthday parade because of his prostate operation and cancer diagnosis.
FOOTIE great David Beckham bends in a bow for King Charles during a palace awards bash — in possible practise for being knighted.
The ex-England captain, 50, who is set to become Sir David, joined a host of famous faces for the 35th anniversary of the King’s Foundation Awards at St James’s Palace.
They included Hollywood actresses Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet, who was heard telling Charles: “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.”
Penny Lancaster, who is an ambassador for the foundation along with Beckham, was full of praise for His Majesty, saying: “He’s been an absolute pioneer and visionary.”
Unlock even more award-winning articles as The Sun launches brand new membership programme –Sun Club.
3 days agoNew York StateComments Off on How To Train Your Dragon film review: It’s a heartfelt film but not as magical second time around
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
(PG) 125mins
★★★☆☆
APHiccup (Mason Thames) and Toothless take flight[/caption]
APNick Frost is hugely likeable as Gobber the Belch[/caption]
THIS live-action adaptation of How To Train Your Dragon is a gorgeous, heartfelt film full of emotion and excitement.
However, as it sticks so closely to the 2010 animated version of Cressida Cowell’s books, it feels more like a copy than a fresh take on the beloved story.
Director Dean DeBlois returns, along with composer John Powell and Gerard Butler, now playing Stoick in person. It’s clear they all care deeply about the original.
Still, that reverence and respect keeps the film from taking risks or trying anything new and fresh.
The story is the same — and, naturally, it still works. Hiccup (Mason Thames), a young Viking with more brain power than physical prowess, lives on the rugged isle of Berk.
Despite his warrior lineage, the teenager has never quite fitted in with his tribe.
Thrilling scenes
When he finds an injured young dragon, instead of killing it like he’s supposed to, Hiccup decides to help it learn to fly again.
Their unlikely friendship drives this beautifully touching story and eventually changes everything for Hiccup and his people.
Thames brings warmth and charm to the role, and Toothless — thanks to inspired CGI — is as expressive and lovable as ever.
Nico Parker’s Astrid gets more screen time in this version, and she makes the most of it.
Her performance is strong, and her character feels sturdier and more developed.
Gerard Butler does a solid job as Stoick, Hiccup’s tough-but-caring father, though his live-action performance isn’t quite as memorable as his voice work in the original.
Elsewhere, Nick Frost is hugely likeable as Gobber the Belch, a pal of Stoick’s and teacher of the tribe’s dragon-training recruits.
Visually, the film looks beautiful. Cinematographer Bill Pope captures the rough beauty of Berk and creates some thrilling dragon flight scenes.
But even at its most stunning, the movie struggles to match the magic and creativity of the animated version’s look and feel.
The adaptation moves along smoothly and confidently, but rarely manages to surprise.
For people who are new to the story, it will be exciting and moving.
But for fans of the original, it may feel a little too familiar and not as magical second time around.
LOLLIPOP
(15) 100mins
★★★★☆
This kitchen sink drama will have you shifting awkwardly in your seatsupplied
AFTER leaving prison, Molly Brown finds herself in a catch-22 situation.
To get her two young children back, she needs to have a home for them to live in. But the council will only provide Molly with accommodation if she has custody of her kids.
This kitchen sink drama from British director Daisy-May Hudson will have you shifting awkwardly in your seat as Molly makes one terrible decision after another in an attempt to see the children she so clearly loves.
Hudson, whose own mum was made homeless, pulls the audience’s sympathies this way and that. On the one side, Molly has been dealt a poor hand due to her alcoholic and belittling mum who calls her Lollipop, but on the other she doesn’t help herself by threatening social services.
Newcomer Posy Sterling is a revelation as the troubled mum. But not all the cast impress and if you want to know why Molly spent time behind bars, you’ll be left disappointed.
Lollipop is not a piece of throwaway confectionery but isn’t for cinemagoers who prefer to escape into a sweet-tasting world.
GRANT ROLLINGS
TORNADO
(15) 90mins
★★★☆☆
AlamyTornado combines elements of folk legends and samurai-style action[/caption]
JOHN MACLEAN’s Tornado is a unique, somewhat sad revenge western full of dark, beautiful imagery.
The story takes place in a bleak, empty landscape of 18th-century Scotland and combines elements of folk legends and samurai-style action to create an interesting, if slightly muddled storyline.
Mitsuki Kimura (credited as Kôki) brings spikey charisma to the role of Tornado, a travelling artist and sword performer who roams the empty moors with her father (Takehiro Hira), staging bizarre puppet and samurai shows to wandering villagers.
But their eccentric life is shattered when a child’s theft of gold drags them into the path of Sugarman (a brilliant Tim Roth) and his brutal criminal gang.
Meanwhile, Slow Horses star Jack Lowden, who plays one of Sugarman’s henchmen, is let down by a screenplay that gives him little to work with.
The film’s best asset is its atmosphere – the windswept landscapes feel almost otherworldly and the score adds eerie tension.
Tornado may not be to everyone’s taste, but its originality deserves more than a nod of respect.
3 days agoNew York StateComments Off on Protein-packed beans, canned custard’s vitamins and other hidden health benefits of bargain tinned foods revealed
IT may bring back memories of horrible school dinners, if you are old enough, or Monty Python’s Seventies comedy musical Spamalot.
IF you have unpleasant school-dinner memories of Spam – served up in slimy sarnies or fried to make fritters – you may wish never to revisit this fabled luncheon meat.
But despite being much mocked in the past – and now giving its name to unwanted emails – it can make many useful contributions to your diet, which could explain why sales soared by 199 per cent in the last year.
Spam packs lots of protein as well as iron, zinc and vitamins B and C
Consisting of 89 per cent pork and two per cent ham, Spam packs lots of protein as well as iron, zinc and vitamins B and C.
Oh, and it is also gluten-free.
The salt and fat levels are on the higher side, though, so best limit to once a week.
Give Spam fritters a modern upgrade by slicing meat and popping in the air fryer. Serve with a dipping sauce.
A PINT-sized powerhouse of nutrients full of fantastic health benefits – and a can will cost you less than a quid when you do the weekly shop.
Sardines are packed with wellness wins that can help your heart, bones, skin and immune system, and even boost brain power.
Sardines can help your heart, bones, skin and immune system, and even boost brain power
High in protein and low in fat, the oily fish is full of calcium and vitamin D, while omega 3 oils help cognitive function and vitamin B12 aids the nervous system.
Experts have even suggested sardines may help to lower blood pressure and reduce the risk of heart disease.
So, all in all, just what the doctor ordered.
Toss a tin into spaghetti with oil, lemon, chilli and garlic for a simple but nutritious pasta sauce.
WE all know the kids’ rhyme “beans, beans, good for your heart”.
But the cupboard staple we love to put on toast, or scoff with sausage, bacon and eggs, also scores highly for fibre.
Baked beans are good for your heart and high in fibre
There are a host of minerals wins, too, including potassium, iron, zinc – plus you get dosed up on vitamins B and C.
And those haricot beans smothered in tomato sauce are a super source of protein – they contain an average of 9g per can, the same as you get from two regular eggs, which is especially useful for veggies or vegans needing to boost their intake.
Look out for reduced-salt options, if available.
Don’t mess with a classic. Heat up and chomp on toast.
A HUMBLE tin of tomatoes, handy for all sorts of home-cooked dishes, is one of the healthiest canned foods you can buy and will quickly top up your vitamin and mineral levels.
These toms also taste delicious and are very economical.
Tinned tomatoes are full of vitamin C, fibre and potassium
Whatever type you choose – plum, cherry or specialist San Marzano – tucking into them will unleash a cascade of vitamin C, fibre and potassium.
They also put a nice helping of lycopene your way – an antioxidant linked to numerous heart health benefits.
Tip into a chilli con carne or stew to boost flavour and nutrients.
MOST tinned fruits offer health benefits equal to those you get from your favourite fresh versions – but the canned options lock in goodness and offer longevity, cost savings and convenience benefits to boot.
When browsing on the shop shelf for tinned fruit, look for slices in either water or fresh fruit juice, rather than syrup, to make sure you get all the goodness and shelf-life without those additional sugars.
Peach slices are stacked with fibre, potassium and valuable vitamin A
As well as counting as one of your “five a day”, peach slices are stacked with fibre, potassium and valuable vitamin A – excellent for eyesight.
Serve with a pot of Greek yoghurt for a tasty protein boost.
Sweetcorn, 200g, 49p, Tesco
Sweetcorn contains 8g of fibre and the same of protein
CASSEROLE time, anyone? This everyday ingredient comes with more health benefits that you may realise.
A superb way to improve your digestion, one can of yellow maize nuggets will provide around 8g of fibre and the same of protein – all of which also makes this food great for keeping you regular and feeding the healthy bacteria in your gut .
A tin is also packed full of folate, a naturally occurring form of vitamin B that is useful for cell growth – and you will get good hits of magnesium, iron and potassium, too.
Add to a Mexican-style salsa and serve with tacos.
Prunes, 420g, £1.10, Tesco
GOOD digestion is probably the best-known gain from tipping regular helpings of tinned dried plums into your breakfast or pudding bowl – but the bowel benefits and speedy transit times are not the only rewards.
Tinned prunes are also rich in iron, vitamin K for bone health, and anti-oxidant compounds to boost cell efficiency and protect from heart disease.
Tinned prunes are rich in iron, vitamin K and anti-oxidant compounds
Some studies also suggest prunes can help keep your cholesterol levels in check and reduce your risk of Type 2 diabetes.
Add on top of your brekkie porridge or drain a can and bake into flapjacks.
Unlock even more award-winning articles as The Sun launches brand new membership programme –Sun Club.
3 days agoNew York StateComments Off on Fresh ageism row for the BBC after four axed senior journalists lodge discrimination claims
FOUR senior journalists have lodged complaints with the BBC in a fresh ageism row.
Their separate — but coordinated — discrimination claims come as the broadcaster merges its home and foreign newsdesks.
BBCMeanwhile Martine Croxall, above, Karin Giannone, Kasia Madera, and Annita McVeigh settled their three-year dispute in March[/caption]
Bosses hope slashing 130 jobs will help save £700million.
But the four, said to have worked in warzones and the aftermath of terror attacks, fear they have been earmarked for compulsory redundancy.
Their move follows a group of BBCNews presenters going to an employment tribunal over ageism allegations.
Martine Croxall, Karin Giannone, Kasia Madera, and Annita McVeigh settled their three-year dispute in March, with the terms not disclosed.
The latest cases involve employees aged over 50 and thought to have more than 100 years of experience between them.
Sources said they believe the process of applying for the new jobs concentrates only on their work over the past two years — and so is weighted towards younger candidates.
Marks were also said to be deducted if applicants failed to mention keywords such as “digital” or “live page”.
It is reported one of the individuals is a representative of the National Union of Journalists, which has hit out at the compulsory redundancies.
Last night, the BBC said: “Restructuring in BBC News is taking place according to established BBC policies.
“We conduct all processes in a thorough and fair manner, and we are committed to supporting our staff throughout, including through comprehensive redeployment assistance.”
EPAFour senior journalists have lodged complaints with the BBC in a fresh ageism row[/caption]
3 days agoNew York StateComments Off on Woke-obsessed BBC would rather hand itself in to cops than air Clarkson’s Farm – and that’s why terrestrial TV is dying
APPROACHING four hours into the new Clarkson’s Farm and not one animal had kicked or butted Jeremy in the nuts.
A glaring sin of omission as far as most viewers were probably concerned.
Prime VideoClarkson’s Farm remains the best thing on TV and one of those incredibly rare shows that can make you smile just through the simple act of pressing ‘play’[/caption]
ITVBBC tried to copy Clarkson’s Farm with shows like Kelvin’s Big Farming Adventure, but has not come close to recreating the magic[/caption]
Because, in terms of livestock, I think a bull was the only creature who hadn’t poleaxed Clarkson during the previous three series.
But then, 16 minutes into the fourth episode, bingo. Our prayers were answered.
Clarkson beckoned Sansa the hyperactive dog towards him and . . .
“Nyuuuuurgh. Baaah. That was right in . . . ”
His nuts.
And all was well again on Clarkson’s Farm, which remains the best thing on TV and one of those incredibly rare shows that can make you smile just through the simple act of pressing “play”.
Pedantically speaking, though, by the end of this latest Amazon Prime run, the title was a bit of a misnomer.
It had become Clarkson’s Pub, a place he clearly hated running almost as much as he loved Diddly Squat.
Pork scratchings
There was a change in the mood and personnel as well, with the on-tour Kaleb Cooper being temporarily replaced by Harriet Cowan, who’s an unannoying version of Helen Skelton, if you can imagine such a thing, and so dangerously competent she could kill the entire project if she was allowed more than a future cameo slot.
Of more immediate concern, however, was the fact that throughout the run, Gerald, the show’s MVP, seemed to become almost intelligible.
Not across an entire conversation, obviously. It’s not that serious, but there were tantalising fragments of sentences where I could now understand what the f*** he was saying, without rewinding.
“. . . Royt down a foot deep . . . ” “. . . Woan actually pull it round . . . ” “. . . Well, no chance in the world, izzer . . . ?”
No, there isn’t, Gerald, but this situation clearly has to be addressed before the best joke on TV is unscrambled completely. In these changing agricultural times, it’s a mercy and blessing that the essential ingredients of Clarkson’s Farm remain unchanged.
Uniquely, on TV at the moment, it’s still a drama, documentary and comedy all rolled into one.
With the most important element being the last one, because it’s the only farming show in history that’s ever kept the camera rolling on the stuff we really want to know and see. Jeremy’s “convalescing plums” play a huge part in that equation, clearly.
But so do the long, lingering shots of livestock sex and the fact that as well as knowing the picnic area at Jeremy’s new pub used to be a dogging site nicknamed “The A40 Bum Club”, I’m also now aware “pigs have a clitoris” and rub them.
Indeed, it’s given me an idea for a new variety of pork scratchings to be sold behind the bar of the Farmer’s Dog.
The really remarkable thing about this show, though, is that Clarkon’s approach hasn’t just got the easy laughs — it’s made the potentially boring stuff about farming funny and riveting as well.
Details like: Pre-planning applications to West Oxfordshire District Council, Defra’s GS4/SAM 3 regulations for herbal lay, barley yields per acre, the cost of UK black pepper per kilo (£100, seeing as you ask) and the Habsburg rule for assessing durum wheat quality, which broke a couple of readers who emailed to admit they’d actually cried when Jeremy’s rain-blighted crop fell catastrophically short of the 250 minimum rating.
A bit of an over-reaction, if you ask me, but these are the things that turn Clarkson’s Farm into a work of unparalleled genius. The rest of television knows it as well.
Indeed, to watch them is to witness the slow death of terrestrial TV, where they’re so straitjacketed by the cult of woke they’d hand themselves into the local plod before laughing at Gerald’s accent or broadcasting Clarkson’s episode seven pub pep-talk to a bunch of startled millennials, which was still making me howl a week after it landed. “One thing I cannot stand is gormlessness.
And I don’t want slovenly oiks leaning on things. This is designed to back British farming. If anyone wants a Coca-Cola, they can f* * * off.”
And so say all of us.
BIG SLIP
VERBAL slip of the month. Soccer Saturday, Michael Dawson: “I always remember Tim Cahill scoring goals and punching the slag . . . flag.”
SWING ON THE SLIDE
Paul Groom / Channel 4Tanith and Mark on Channel 4’s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment[/caption]
BRITISH people should no more take up swinging than Costa Ricans should launch themselves into a ski-jumping career.
For everything here works against the show’s stated aim of “shedding inhibitions” and “challenging conventions”, starting with the weather, which has got the mansion’s resident sexpots togged up like the Lochaber Mountain Rescue team in fleeces, blankets and overcoats.
You could plonk most of the visiting couples down in the Caribbean, though, and they’d still be as “sick and petrified” as Tom from Exeter, who sounded like he needed a defibrillator more than group sex.
“I’ve got sudden death syndrome and I could drop down dead at any moment,” he announced, before heading upstairs for a fivesome with partner Lauren.
Words that hardly screamed “all aboard” to anyone present.
But I guarantee you equally unsuitable couples will be back for another go next year, because morally bankrupt Channel 4 is terminally addicted to the cheap, tawdry voyeurism offered by shows like Open House and Virgin Island.
So all I can do is suggest they amend the billing of a coercive old Euro bat called Effy Blue who’s currently operating above the caption: “Non-monogamy coach.”
She is the Trollop Tutor. Nothing more, nothing less.
GREAT TV lies and delusions of the month.
The Soap Awards, Angellica Bell: “It’s so good to be here with some of TV’s most gifted, brilliant and talented people.” (Hiding where?)
Love Island, Alima: “I’m a ten out of ten, of course.”
And Love Island, Blu: “Girls fall in love with me quite quickly.” Arshol.
Alfie Moon: “Kat Slater, will you be my beautiful, beautiful wife for the third time?”
A proposal which, on second thoughts, I’m filing under “a big ask”.
RANDOM TV IRRITATIONS
THE tragic sight of Ian Hislop desperately trying to appeal to HIGNFY’s studio mob of anti-Israel bigots.
Oddbod Junior and his wife putting me off pizzas for life sitting in their Domino’s advert bath.
Clare Balding still posing as a champion of women’s sport, on The One Show, despite bottling the subject of Imane Khelif beating up female boxers at last year’s Olympics.
And environmental propagandist Chris Packham slyly upping “climate change” to “climate breakdown”, on this week’s Springwatch.
With the next stages of Chris’s scaremongering being: Climate wacky shack, climate prolapse and climate catastrophuck.
UNEXPECTED MORONS IN BAGGING AREA
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “Mount Everest is located in which continent?”
Ruvimbo: “Europe.”
Ben Shephard: “The AIG Women’s Open is a tourn- ament in which club and ball sport?”
Rob: “Football.”
And Ben Shephard: “Located in the Mediterranean Sea, Majorca is part of which European country?”
Maureen: “America.”
LOOKALIKE OF THE WEEK
suppliedDanny Beard, left, Kelly Osbourne, right[/caption]
Diane Morgan simultaneously ridiculing everything about Who Do You Think You Are? while starring on the show: “The slow head turn at the start makes me cringe.”
Race Across the World winner Tom realising that love and respect for his mum, Caroline, was infinitely more important than crossing the line first.
