The essential part of any night out in Durham, the humble Spoons pitcher is fun, colourful, and versatile. But when you’re out with new friends, keeping an eye out for which one they order can be extremely revealing. These are all the Wetherspoons pitchers ranked from the reddest flag to the greenest flag.
Classic Pimm’s
Just no. Right I have nothing against Pimm’s, but the claim that this comes with ‘lots of fruit’ is frankly fallacious. Plus, ordering a litre of brown liquid in a jug just isn’t as aesthetic, is it? Especially when it’s 7°C and chucking it down outside. It may rise in the rankings if it’s a warm summer day, but it is frankly wrong to drink this in the dead of winter.
The Godfather
Okay so I’ve actually never had this one – but who has? Whose first choice actually is this? It strikes me as the kind of drink toxic men would get because they didn’t want to order something pink – if you’re already drinking a pitcher, you might as well get something that tastes nice. That said, if anyone would like to order me one, I will not refuse.
Hawaiian Pipeline Punch
Named after the Monster, this is the younger brother of the Candy Rosá – the kind who is just not as cool as his older sister. This is fine, but it’s not iconic in the same way as, say, a Sex on the Beach. I’m going to guess you’re trying something new, because there’s no way this can be your go-to… If it is, I’m afraid this may be your beige flag.
Woo Woo
No qualms but it’s just not the go-to-order of literally anyone I know. With all the cranberry juice, this is a good option if you want something a little less sweet. The kind of person who would order this is probably fun, but also probably exclusively orders this due to an acute fear of the unknown…
Mango Monster Mash
You’re cool. This is such an unsung option, but you don’t care. It’s sweet, summery, and, for all the coconut lovers, is the only one that has Malibu in it. Honestly, this deserves more fans.
Purple Rain
Like the Prince song – this is good but maybe too long. It isn’t a top five, but it’s nice enough. Halfway through, you’ll be wondering why you didn’t just order a Blue Lagoon instead.
Porn Star Martini
I respect you. This is fine. Good, even. But the strawberry one absolutely clears it.
Blue Lagoon
Blue Lagoon is an absolute classic. It might stain your tongue blue, but other than that it’s a perfect warm-weather drink. There’s also a high chance this will be followed by five Woodgates and a dose of Jimmy’s shame.
Candy Rosá
This is a green flag. This was the first Spoons pitcher I ever had. It’s fun, pink, and sweet – and especially cute when they put the strawberries in it. Maybe a bit sickly though, and kind of a B-tier version of the strawberry porn star martini.
Sex on the Beach
Classic, fun, fruity. Not only is this a good drink, but its re-orderable – you can drink two or three of these and not find it sickly. Plus, it’ll place you in good stead for Jimmy’s
Strawberry Porn Star Martini
The newest pitcher to hit Walkergate, this is absolutely divine. This is what the Candy Rosá wants to be when it grows up. I will be holding this if you see me in Spoons.
