Words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, or even just an old-fashioned bit of physical touch.
A lot of weight is put on love languages in relationships, which is just a fancy term for categorising the way people give and show affection.
But this isn’t the only style of communication that can be relevant in a relationship: the way that you discuss what’s going on in your bank account – also known as your money language – can, equally, reveal a lot.
According to new research, three-quarters of couples (74%) are actually speaking different ones completely, and these varying communication styles are actively causing conflict for two-thirds of couples (66%).
Together, all of these issues can delay major life milestones, including home ownership (14% admitted that it’d had this impact) and starting a family (experienced by one in 10).
The new study, which chatted to 2,000 UK-based couples, reveals that our money communication styles can actually be split into seven neat money languages – and each has varying degrees of compatibility.
The seven different money languages are as follows: scarcity mindset, money know how, financial avoidance, protecting privacy, acts of finances, lifestyle enrichment, and extravagant affirmation.
What are the seven different money languages, and what do they mean?
- Scarcity mindset: Regular saver, spending makes them uncomfortable (32% of those surveyed have these traits)
- Money know how: Open book, makes money work for them (23%)
- Financial avoidance: Hates talking money, buries head in the sand (10% – and statistically the most stressful to be with)
- Protecting privacy: Hides their habits, values independence and control (9%)
- Acts of finances: Provides, shows love by taking financial responsibility (9%)
- Lifestyle enrichment: Lives in the moment, spends on experiences now (7% – the joint most stressful to be with)
- Extravagant affirmation: Gives generously, connects money to love (2% – the second most stressful type to be with).
Whether it’s bickering over who bought the last round of drinks or who is the most likely to run out of money at the end of every month, 97% of partnerships between financial avoidance (someone who hates talking about money) and acts of finance (someone who shows love by taking financial responsibility) bicker over their pounds and pennies.
17% of these duos have previously experienced conflict over what does and doesn’t constitute essential spending (17%), while 15% have found themselves in turmoil over how much of their pay packets they should be putting away each month.
This type of conflict isn’t just impacting new couples, either: more than a third (37%) of established couples are keeping a financial secret, as 10% have a secret credit card or loan, and 11% have a hidden savings pot.
‘Some people show love through splurging, others through saving’
As dating and relationship expert Hayley Quinn says, discussing money in relationships can often feel relatively taboo – and clearly, talking about our spending (and saving) habits can be embarrassing, as 26% of Brits get ‘the ick’ from doing so, according to Starling’s research.
But the irony is that financial management can actually play a ‘huge role’ in helping you to achieve your relationship goals.
‘In our relationships, we have to learn to talk about money more openly and confidently, to both figure out compatibility with potential partners and build for the future in our relationships,’ Hayley tells Metro.
So, it’s all very well and good talking about money languages, but what if you don’t speak the same one as your partner?
As Hayley notes, this doesn’t mean that your relationship is ultimately doomed to fail and that you need to break up over a red credit score: you’ll just need to harness the art of communicating differently.
‘To start with, focus on your partner’s intent. Some people show love through splurging, others through saving. The goal of showing love is the same, but how you go about it is radically different,’ she says.
‘Next, think about how much you see money as a shared resource, or something that’s independent of each other. Even if you’re someone who values privacy and independence around their finances, having a shared pot of money for joint purchases may help you to feel more together.’
Personal finance expert Ellie Austin-Williams adds that there isn’t necessarily a ‘right’ or a ‘wrong’ approach to managing money, but ‘understanding your respective money languages allows you to be empathetic and work collaboratively.’
She says: ‘It can also help to focus on your shared life goals and outcomes, as even if you have different routes to get there, a common target can nudge you in the right direction.’
Undoubtedly, talking about finances can feel incredibly overwhelming – particularly if one party has debt or carries financial trauma from their upbringing.
In these situations, Hayley says to ‘encourage each other not to bury your heads in the sand,’ noting: ‘By understanding each other’s money languages, and working together, you can achieve a lot.’
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