When you meet someone new, you can almost guarantee that within five minutes they’ll ask what you do for work.
But unless you tame lions or work for MI5, chatting about how you pay the bills is just not that interesting.
No one needs a recap of a day in the life of a finance bro, or a detailed breakdown of which branch of the civil service you’re in.
And besides, once you clock off, you don’t really want to think about the office anyway. Most people don’t even like their jobs, let alone talking about them. According to a 2023 report, 90% of UK workers are unhappy at work.
‘We ask it out of habit because it feels safe and familiar,’ says Dr Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology.
‘Work is something everyone can discuss, making it an easy way to start a conversation,’ Dr Touroni tells Metro.
‘The downside is that it can feel transactional, reducing someone to their job title rather than inviting them to share more about who they really are.’
So, how else can you get to know someone? Dr Touroni shared some alternative suggestions — and while some of them might feel a bit cringe, at least they won’t make you yawn.
1. What do you like to do in your free time?
‘Asking about free time gives someone permission to talk about hobbies or interests that matter to them,’ Dr Touroni says. ‘It shifts focus away from work and towards what lights them up.’
To bring it into conversation Dr Touroni advises asking: ‘When you’re not working, what do you like to do?’
She explains: ‘Framing it this way encourages a more in-depth response and keeps the tone friendly.’
2. Have you read, watched or listened to anything lately?
It may be a simple question, but Dr Touroni says ‘people often light up when sharing a recommendation’. After all, who doesn’t love launching into their favourite Traitor, or which Fisher brother Belly should pick in The Summer I Turned Pretty.
‘To make it flow, you might say, “I’m looking for something new. Have you read, watched or listened to anything great recently?”. The personal touch invits more than a one-word answer.’
3. What’s something you’ve enjoyed recently?
According to Dr Touroni, this question focuses on something positive and current, which people usually enjoy sharing.
She says: ‘It can naturally lead to a story or experience that tells you a lot about them.’
4. What’s something you’re looking forward to?
‘This question taps into hope and excitement, giving the other person space to share upcoming plans or dreams,’ Dr Touroni says. ‘It also tells you a lot about what they value.’
To bring it up naturally, she adds: ‘You might ask, “It’s always nice to have things to look forward to. What’s something on the horizon for you?” This makes the question warm and open.’
What are some other conversation starters?
If you’re stuck for conversation ideas, Eloise suggested three more conversation starters:
- Leading with a compliment (outfit, style, something they said, name, etc.), and asking them more about it (for example, ‘where did you get your coat?’, or ‘have you ever been given a nickname?’)
- If the mood is awkward, you can ask a question that addresses it directly – for example: ‘I sometimes feel awkward at these things! Do you enjoy networking?’, or ‘do you find it easy to meet new people in this city?’.
- ‘Have you had a busy week?’ – more closed-ended, encourages a specific response, even if the response is ‘yes/no’, you could follow up with ‘what did you get up to?’
Should you avoid talking about work outside the office?
According to author and psychotherapist Eloise Skinner, asking someone what they do for work can create a strong link between the person and the job, which they might not feel reflects their true identity.
‘Many jobs with stereotypes and immediate assumptions, and it might feel as though the individual is assigned a certain identity when they state their career, rather than allowing them to show different aspects of who they are,’ she says.
The question can be even more complex when the other person has an unusual work setup. For example, they could be unhappy at work, have recently been made redundant or are struggling to get on the career ladder.
Not everybody is willing to talk about these situations. And, according to Eloise, it could lead to people feeling vulnerable and ashamed.
This isn’t to say work shouldn’t be discussed at all.
Eloise says that work-related conversations are at their best when they draw on bigger themes. ‘Some people might find that work-related conversations introduce an opportunity to dive deeper into bigger human or existential questions, like passions, enjoyment, creativity and achievement.’
She adds: ‘For example, you could start off chatting about your team, and end up talking about collective creativity, generation of new ideas, how you solve your problems and what you’re passionate about.’
‘It’s difficult to deny the topic of work altogether, since we spend so much time there, and it can help to chat about our experiences in the workplace, but bringing it back to more expensive, personal themes can result in a more fulfilling discussion.’
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