I’ll be the one to say it: scheduled sex is hot.
Sure, it might sound pretty perfunctory, but bocking out time in your calander to get it on can be pretty darn sexy – if you do it right.
This is the conversation I had with Mia, our caller on this week’s episode of Just Between Us, when she confided in my co-host Diana Vickers and I that she’s too tired for sex.
She has two elderly relatives to take care of, a business to run and come bedtime, she’s simply too exhausted for a romp in the sheets.
‘I live with people that require a lot of attention and it’s very consuming,’ Mia explains. ‘I don’t have the time or mental ability [for sex]. I work very long hours and struggle to switch from super sleepy to sexual.’
It’s a tale as old as time, especially for us ladies out there who bare the brunt of the unpaid care-taking, decision fatigue and housework – on top of our careers.
If you can relate to this, my ‘Cinderella rule’ for scheduled sex may be just what you need.
Simply set a cut off point in your head for when intimacy will no longer be on the cards – this way you don’t have to worry about being exhausted the next morning.
My ‘turn into a pumpkin’ cut off is 10:30pm, and ideally this is when it’ll be lights out and off to snoozeville. This means my cut off for intimacy starting is 10.10pm latest – given that the optimal duration of sex for Brits is 23 minutes and 45 seconds.
However many hours prior to this, you can give your partner indications that sex is on the cards in the evening, but mention in passing the cut off point.
This means there isn’t a concrete time you have to initiate intimacy with each other (great for those who find the idea of a rigid half-hour timeslot anything but sexy), but it also sets expectations to avoid disappointment if you are both in the mood.
It allows a window of time for you or your partner to get creative with making the first move – so it doesn’t feel like a now or never ultimatum. Just a ‘now until 10.30pm’.
It’s worked wonders for my partner and I, because although we enjoy being spontaneous, we can find it a little tougher when we’re going through a particularly busy period. There’s also something about the anticipation that makes it quite exciting.
In an even better world, if you and your partner are both home during the day you would move this cut off period even earlier, before your entire well of energy is depleted. This is the solution we found fit Mia best.
She would spend time grabbing a drink at a coffee shop with her partner during the day between work and care-taking, so while we said she shouldn’t sacrifice that 30 minutes to an hour of emotional connection every day – she could pick one or two days where they move that setting to the bedroom.
And that scheduled connecting time should be spent building that desire, which for Mia, is triggered by a good ol’ make out sesh. But it could also be a cheeky flirt or a sexy picture you send to each other.
‘Remembering to find these moments of connection in the mundane where we can flirt a little if we pass each other in the kitchen, would make it so much easier to switch your mindset and mood,’ Mia agrees.
Other women get themselves in the mood throughout the day by porn dosing – something I’ve tried myself and have found to be very effective.
It’s essentially where you listen to bursts of audio porn throughout the day when you’re doing mundane tasks. Maybe you’re doing the weekly shop or the laundry, or maybe you’re on your commute – it just helps build up that sexual anticipation.
Of course, if you get to the end of the day and you get it on but you don’t want to feel like you’re doing an endurance sport at the Olympics, there are some lazier positions you can try to make life easier.
Spooning is the obvious one. Just lie down on your sides, both of you facing the same direction. The big spoon can enter from behind, whether using their penis, a strap-on, or their fingers.
Go slow and soft, and feel free to use free hands to explore the rest of the body.
The tangle is another one for lazy lovers. Both lie on your sides, this time facing each other. Scissor your legs between each other then get off with grinding, circular motions.
If it’s oral you’re after then try a sideways 69. All you’ve got to do is lie top to tail on your sides and go to town.
Listen to Just Between Us on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts now.
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