It’s a truth universally acknowledged that our upbringing fundamentally shapes who we are, what we’re drawn to, and how we react to things on an emotional level.
This is all down to something called our attachment style – AKA how we behave in close relationships – of which there are four types: anxious, avoidant, disorganised (also called anxious-avoidant) and secure.
As well as showing up in personal and romantic relationships, our specific style can rear its head in the workplace – and there’s one that’s slightly more complicated than the others.
We’re not just talking about oversharing with colleagues or feeling the heat of a deadline, either: it could actually be jeopardising your chances of getting a promotion.
What are the four attachment styles?
Dr Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, shed some light on attachment styles, telling Metro that while they might explain certain patterns of behaviour and communication tendencies, they ‘aren’t labels to box people in’.
Instead, they should be viewed as ‘patterns that shape how we connect with others.’
Here’s a closer look at the four main ones…
- A secure style is ‘marked by comfort with closeness and trust in relationships’.
- An anxious style ‘oftens brings sensitivity to rejection and a strong need for reassurance’.
- An avoidant style involves ‘valuing independence and finding emotional closeness more difficult’.
- A disorganised (also called an anxious-avoidant or fearful-avoidant) style is a ‘mix of both anxious and avoidant traits, often leading to push-pull dynamics in relationships’.
How attachment styles show up in the workplace
Disorganised attachment style
According to workplace management expert Nancy Roberts, those with a disorganised attachment style – described a combination of both avoidant and anxious traits – ‘may struggle to manage their emotions in the workplace,’ and struggle to move up the ladder as a result.
This often develops when a child becomes fearful of either their parents or their primary caregivers, which can potentially arise when certain emotional needs haven’t been met.
Later in life, it may manifest as the perception of being ‘too emotional and not rational enough to, for example, make good decisions’. Hence, it’s often described as the most complicated attachment style.
‘It can also lead to inconsistent and even contradictory behaviour, such as being confident in a task one day and then struggling with it the next,’ Nancy explains.
Likewise, those with this attachment style might find it hard to deal with stress, which can present further problems in ‘a deadline driven or fast-paced work context,’ or have a ‘strongly emotional reaction’ to constructive criticism or feedback.
‘All of these can cause strained relationships with colleagues and managers,’ adds Nancy.
Anxious and avoidant attachment styles
It’s not just the disorganised style that can impact the way we regulate our emotions in the workplace, though. Dr Touroni claims that anxious individuals have a tendency to ’overthink, struggle with confidence, or find it difficult to set boundaries.’
On the other hand, employees with avoidant tendencies can ‘hold back from collaboration or leadership opportunities,’ owing to their naturally avoidant nature. Why put yourself out there in the workplace when you struggle to be perceived? Or you’re running from your own emotions?
Though she acknowledges that it’s actually the ‘degree to which these patterns are managed, rather than the style itself, that makes the biggest difference.’
So, it’s all about the work we put into understanding our own emotional responses, and how we use those conclusions to improve the way we communicate with others, that’ll ultimately define us – rather than hyperfixating too heavily on which category we fit into.
Unfortunately, the disorganised attachment style often incorporates behavioural elements from both the anxious and avoidant umbrellas, which is what creates that ‘push-pull’ pattern of emotion and communication style.
So, on the one hand, you might constantly question your own work and anxiously rely on the support of others, but you might also avoid asking for help in the first place. It’s like a constant internal battle between two complicated aspects of your nature.
Secure attachment style
Wondering which attachment style technically has it the easiest, so to speak?
Unsurprisingly, Nancy says that it’s those with a secure style, who will appear confident without appearing arrogant, as well as being ‘open and honest, which will enable them to form strong relationships.’
It could also make them an ‘attractive candidate for management and leadership posts where interpersonal skills are as important as technical knowledge,’ she notes.
Is it possible to change your attachment style?
If you’re resonating with any of this (good or bad) keep in mind you’re not inevitably doomed to stay at the same level forever.
Our attachment styles are inevitably shaped by the experiences – and sometimes trauma – we’ve undergone growing up. That’s not our fault. But while we can’t change the past, we can be in control of our future – and it’s actually possible to change our attachment style, with a little bit of work.
If you’re worried that it’s impacting you in the workplace, Dr Touroni advises that awareness is the first step – and you can start by acknowledging and addressing your own patterns of behaviour.
‘Ask yourself, “what am I feeling in this moment, and is my response based on what’s happening now, or an old fear being triggered?”,’ she says.
There’s also worth in building supportive professional relationships, practising clear communication, and seeking feedback ‘in a balanced way.’
If you’re really struggling – and that might not just be inside the workplace, but outside, too – therapy or coaching can also be valuable in developing ‘healthier patterns.’
‘Most importantly, remember that attachment styles are tendencies, not destinies,’ Dr Touroni adds. ‘With reflection and support, people can learn new ways of relating that serve them better at work and beyond,’ she concludes.’
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