As a parent, all you can do is stand there helplessly and watch your child open their A-level results envelope.
You’re waiting for a smile or tears to indicate if they passed with flying colours or missed the mark.
And if they don’t end up with the grades they wished and worked so hard for, it can be tricky to know what to say or how to say it.
Regardless of how well-intentioned you are though, there are some things you should never say to a young person who believes failing their exams means failing in life.
So to help you avoid making a disappointing morning far worse, psychotherapist and Cambridge University admissions programme consultant, Eloise Skinner, reveals the phrases to steer clear of.
Minimising
‘Phrases that minimise emotions such as “in the long term, it doesn’t matter that much” or “it’s not really a big deal” shouldn’t be used,’ Eloise tells Metro.
‘Even if meant with good intentions, or to help teenagers find perspective – this can make the recipient feel as if their efforts weren’t recognised, or their experience doesn’t matter.
‘It could also make teenagers feel isolated, or as if they lack support in the process.’
Low expectations
‘Don’t say “well, you probably weren’t expecting high grades anyway“,’ Eloise continues.
According to the expert, this suggests you weren’t expecting much of your child, which is (understandably) hurtful and has the potential to reduce their self-confidence.
‘These phrases can reinforce beliefs a young person might have quietly held about themselves – for example, that they’re not capable of achieving their goals, or that their academic ambitions were set too high,’ she adds.
Playing the blame game
‘You should’ve studied harder‘ is not a phrase that will help anyone feel better about the situation.
While Eloise notes this can be an ‘instinctive’ response – especially if you’ve been encouraging your child to put more time and effort into their studies -grades day (or the aftermath) isn’t the time for pointing fingers.
‘They’ll likely already be thinking of mistakes they might have made, or things they should have done differently,’ she adds. ‘So reinforcing this as a parent is not particularly helpful.’
That being said, once some time has passed, the psychotherapist recommends chatting through different ways for them to revise or study to help them succeed. Just wait until the dust has settled.
Comparison
‘Avoid phrases that draw comparison, either to oneself or to other students, such as “I worked much harder when I was younger“, or “why can’t you be more like [another student]?”‘ explains Eloise.
‘This comparative language can encourage your child to think of themselves as “less than” someone else, even if that person has completely different experiences and circumstances.’
The expert also says it’s important not to bring yourself into it. Not only will your experiences vastly differ from theirs, your child needs to be allowed to forge their own path — highs, lows, and everything in between included.
So what should you say?
Now you know the don’ts, child psychologist, Kirsten Antoncich, tells Metro the perfect response for consolation: ‘It’s going to be okay, this happens to a lot of people and we can work on a plan together, but most of all, this doesn’t change how much we love you.’
‘The first part lets them know you have the confidence and belief that things will be okay, and they will need to hear that,’ says Kirsten.
‘The second part normalises the situation, letting them know they can survive and thrive, that they are not alone, and that exam results don’t define them as a person.’
It’s also vital for you as a parent to remember that A-levels aren’t the be-all and end-all — and to make sure that’s not the idea you’re projecting
Kirsten claims this ‘can over-communicate the threat to personal success which is dependent on whether you get the grades you either need or were predicted.’
Instead, her advice is to explore the alternative avenues your child could take, for example, chatting about ‘the many professionals in the public sphere who have had different routes to their goals.’
And if all else fails, show them Jeremy Clarkson’s annual results day postabout how he failed and is now very successful. Weirdly, it helps.
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