So, TikTok has invented a new type of guy: He looks like a dream, talks like a philosopher, but somehow still manages to be a red flag in disguise. Meet the Performative Male. It’s both hilarious and a little worrying.
Basically, these are the guys who seem like the perfect partner at first glance. He drinks matcha, carries a thrifted tote, quotes feminist theory, reads on the train, and goes to therapy – the works. On paper, he’s a total green flag. In reality, experts warn he might actually be a walking red one.
The trend has gone viral, with several “performative male contests” popping up, including a recent one in San Francisco. People just can’t get enough.
So, what is the Performative Male TikTok trend?
@emmapeng0619 I saw Elan dupe today
#performativemale #performativemalecontest #sf #sanfrancisco #performative
Basically, the idea is that these guys appear emotionally available and woke, but it’s mostly for show. On TikTok, people are highlighting how some men speak the language of vulnerability and self-care, yet don’t actually live it.
Speaking to The Tab, Sara Tang, a certified sexologist and relationship coach at sexual wellness brand Nancy, explained, “All these things point to him being emotionally available, supportive, and thoughtful, but the key word is ‘performative’. He might just be selling the illusion of emotional depth, without putting in real effort.”
In other words, liking therapy, reading self-help books, and posting deep quotes on Instagram are all great. But if it’s mostly for clout or aesthetic points, it becomes performative.
Three subtle red flags of a performative male
@thejeanluc “Who run the world”
#dating #nyc #funny #comedy #fashiontiktok #matcha #fyp #soho
The trend is all fun and games, but there are three signs of a performative male to watch out for in real life:
1. Constant need for external validation
He’s always seeking approval, whether through Instagram posts, public displays, or flexing his interests for attention. Real connection doesn’t need an audience, Tang said. “Genuine intimacy thrives in quiet, private moments, not in a curated feed.”
2. Actions don’t match words
He talks about healing, feminism, and emotional availability, but disappears when it’s time to actually engage. Inconsistency is the giveaway. “Authenticity means being the same in private as you are in public,” Tang explained.
3. Avoids real vulnerability
Performative males are all about projecting a polished image. They dodge tough conversations, avoid admitting mistakes, and stick to surface-level chats. Tang added, “Without vulnerability, deeper emotional connection can’t grow.”
Basically, the trick is to watch what he does when no one’s watching. Are his actions consistent over time? Does he stay present when things get tough, or does he disappear with his mates?
Tang said the real green flags are simple: Someone who makes you feel seen, heard, and emotionally safe consistently, not just when it’s convenient. Performative behaviour isn’t always toxic, but real intimacy can’t be faked.
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