‘We only want what’s best for you.’
If your eyes just rolled to the back of your head then welcome to the club.
Now, of course, your parents wanting what’s best for you is a great thing, but sometimes your opinion and their opinion on what ‘best’ actually is, differs.
It was only last week that OnlyFans star Lily Phillips appeared on Stacey Dooley Sleeps Over alongside her parents who were begging her to stop doing extreme sex stunts.
‘If there’s anything we could do to change her profession overnight we’d do it,’ her dad said.
Of course there are more relatable conflicts when it comes to what’s best too, like your parents not thinking your boyfriend or girlfriend is good enough for you.
It’s a problem I’ve faced myself, more than once, with my father. While he may have been right back when I was 18 and knew little about what I wanted, at 26, I’m more than capable of deciphering what’s best for me.
In fact, I’m in the best relationship of my life. Thank god I knew he was completely and utterly wrong.
But this familial pressure is harder for some to overcome than others. In fact, this week’s caller on Just Between Us, Metro’s sex and relationship podcast, is struggling with this exact dynamic.
Freddie explains: ‘I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and I love him to bits, but essentially, my family and friends don’t feel the same way about him.
‘I see something in him that other people don’t see, and I get to experience the side of him that other people don’t experience, so there’s this rift between me and my friends and it’s becoming a bit of a problem because my friends, my mum, and my sisters don’t feel the same way.’
The main reason Freddie’s partner, who is 10 years older than him, hasn’t clicked with his family is because of his reserved personality, something the people he loves don’t enjoy.
‘I get this vibe from my family and my friends that they don’t like him, and that they don’t think he’s kind or fun enough or talkative enough or social enough for me,’ he adds.
Psychotherapist and founder of North London Therapy, Naomi Magnus, tells Metro this is extremely common.
‘Families often carry a feeling of responsibility and protection toward their children long into adulthood,’ she explains. ‘This comes from attachment bonds and a desire to prevent harm or disappointment.
‘Parents may even project their own experiences, regrets, or cultural values onto their children, believing their perspective is wisest.’
This disapproval from your mother or father can manifest in many ways including criticism, guilt-tripping, withdrawing affection, or constant questioning, according to the therapist.
‘Some might become passive-aggressive, and others will take a more direct approach, voicing strong opposition or even rallying other relatives to support their viewpoint,’ Naomi explains.
‘At times, they might disguise control as “concern,” which can feel invalidating. These behaviours will usually happen when a parent fears a loss of closeness when their child takes a different path.’
But this can be detrimental to your relationship because it sometimes leaves you feeling judged and controlled, which, over time, can cause us to become resentful and withdrawn.
The bottom line is this can shift our bond with our parents from trusting to a battleground.
In fact, among Naomi’s clients, a parent trying to impose their ideals onto a child is the leading cause of estrangement within families.
When is your parents’ concern genuine and when is it controlling?
While your parents being worried about you can sometimes feel like an attack on your choices, it’s important to be able to spot the difference.
‘Genuine concern will always respect your autonomy – there will be advice or questions, but it allows you the space to decide,’ Naomi says.
‘Concern feels caring, supportive, and temporary.
‘Overbearing behaviour, in contrast, is repetitive, intrusive, and dismissive of your perspective. It will often use guilt or manipulation to steer your decisions. The difference lies in whether their actions make you feel empowered or trapped.’
What about your romantic relationship?
Having a disapproving parent can put more pressure on a romantic relationship, but it doesn’t doom it to failure.
‘If the couple has strong communication and shared values, they can withstand outside opinions,’ Naomi explains. ‘However, constant negativity from family can take its toll, creating doubt, guilt, and general tension within the relationship, particularly if one partner feels unsupported.
‘It is all about how the couple navigates that external stress – whether they unite against it or allow it to drive a wedge between them.’
How to navigate this pressure from parents
In typical fashion, the only way you can resolve this dispute between you and your parents is to have a conversation, but Naomi says there are certain ways to phrase it.
Shouting ‘it’s not fair’ and storming off isn’t going to get you anywhere – believe me, I’ve tried and tested that one.
Naomi suggests approaching the situation calmly and acknowledging your parents care about you, before asserting your independence by setting clear boundaries.
‘Instead of defending yourself, explain your values, showing them you’ve thought through your decisions carefully and aren’t acting impulsively,’ she adds.
She’s even provided two handy blueprints for how to word this, to help you out.
The first is as follows: ‘I know you’re worried about me, and I value your perspective, but I have researched this decision, and it aligns with what I want for my future. I’d love your support with it, even if you don’t agree, because your relationship matters to me.’
If this seems to fall on deaf ears and the pressure on your relationship continues, you might want to try this: ‘I’ve heard your concerns, and I’ve considered them. For my own growth, I need to experience this myself. Can we agree to disagree?’
It may be uncomfortable but trust me, coming from experience, it’s pretty liberating.
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